A road less traveled by some but frequently traveled by me. I fail to understand how something can be taken but not given back in return. Lost somewhere on the depths of space is the feeling that should be returned to me. Wandering aimlessly desperately hoping things will turn into the illusion I see. Waiting for things I know that can be but for whatever reason they’re tossed aside before developing their full potential. Sleepless nights, falling tears, insecure thoughts feeding my deepest fears. Strength and wisdom guide me through the day, hopes and dreams pave the way, to the path I long to walk but somehow things get twisted with all the talk. I’m lost and don’t know where to go, unsure of which path I should follow. Trying to play it smart, trying to play it safe, wishing for my dreams oh so much, yet somehow longing for your touch. Never have I felt so much joy and so alive, yet so alone. Fix it please, make it right… I hate the lonely tear filled nights. So close you are yet so far away, defense mechanisms up to push me away. Let me in, let me see, don’t shut me out, don’t bail on me. It’s worth it all, put up the fight, don’t leave me to face another lonely night.
Smile, how everything is funny, time stands still yet continues to move…. Good times with starry eyed conversations. Hollow words, empty ideas, scattered thoughts… Being all over the place and nowhere at all. Happiness, sadness, mixed emotions; hot and cold confusion. A fork in the road, a dead end intersection, stagnant feelings. Bottled up words, thoughts, emotions. Communication is a two way street, one paved with insecurities and vulnerabilities. Walking along the road alone yet the ghost outline remains. Rollercoaster can’t even begin to explain, nausea, that deep feeling remains.
For someone who is all about noticing signs I feel like sometimes I miss the obvious ones until they smack me right on the face. There are other times when I feel like I spend so much time looking for signs that I “create” the illusion of them when they aren’t there. Right now I’m trying to figure out if the sign is really there or if I am just creating something as a defense mechanism. As always it happens to be one of those situations where you can’t turn to anyone because they will cast judgement before they hear me out unbiased. Guess it looks like I’m on my own on this one, but I hope I figure it out quick so I don’t have to worry about it or waste too much time.
Dreaming creates illusion, but dreaming is what inspires us to find out what could be. Is illusion then good or bad, is it full of misleading thoughts and ideas or the key to unlocking the future? Illusion is the art that there is more than what meets the eye, but illusion is also the best disguise. Illusion is the camouflage that allows us to mimic whatever it is we choose to mimic. Illusion allows us to create whatever it is we want, and whatever it is we want to be. Illusion covers up what we have to hide, and allows us to show only what we want. If dreaming creates illusion and illusion creates our world, what type of illusion do want to create?
As one adventure begins another one ends, and I’m always down for an adventure. However, I can’t help but feel slightly conflicted and a little apprehensive about this one.
You can learn some pretty amazing things about yourself just by making a hasty rash decision. For instance I learned that if you just up and move somewhere it can work out in your favor if you are willing to work at it, or until a wrench thrown from the past finally connects with your head and knocks you out. I learned that it doesn’t matter what the circumstances surrounding any decision you make may be, people will always make up and choose to believe their own version of the story, even in spite of you telling them EXACTLY what the truth is. I’ve also learned that those who end up in your corner are never the people that you would have expected to be in your corner.
I’ve learned a great deal over these past two years and I’ve done a lot of growing. Some of the things I learned surprised me immensely, and others were exactly what I expected them to be. The thing that surprises me the most is that I’m not at all the big city girl that I thought I was. Don’t get me wrong, being in the big city is FANTASTIC, but it has become nothing more than a location on a map, it doesn’t feel like home any more than any of the other places I have forced to be home.
I always dreamed that Denver would be my jumping off point, I was finally out of the small city and on the right track to pursuing my wildest dreams and my deepest fantasies. While it was my first escape it definitely wouldn’t be the place that I would call home forever, it would merely be a stepping stone which I would have to pass through in order to continue on. While it has definitely turned out to be an experience and one which I have rather enjoyed, it turned out that nothing was really as it seemed and that the one thing I wanted most was just to be home. I did my best to curb my desire to be home, disguising it as contempt, bitterness, anger, hurt and so many other things. When I expressed my longing to go home I was always met with a reaction that I didn’t expect, not only from others but from myself. You can’t fight the fates though because what’s meant to be ALWAYS finds a way. I never really bought into that statement until now, while the one thing I wanted most was to be home, I would never admit defeat, pack my bags and head back. I mean how could I swallow my pride and end up in the one place that I have a love/hate relationship with. However, the fates interveined and I found myself in a situation where I was left with no option other than to return to the one place I wanted to be.
Now on the eve of my departure though I can’t bring myself to accept the fact that merely a couple months ago I desperately wanted to be there. I’m left with all these mixed emotions, and more worry and fear than I ever had about moving away from home. I always feel like home is comfortable and comfort makes people do things that they wouldn’t normally do. As I look back on all the decisions I made at home I feel as though they have always been the wrong ones. I truly, honestly feel as though the best thing I ever did for myself was leave the place where I always manage to screw things up. I can’t even count the amount of failures I have had at home, but I can count my biggest success on one hand, well really one finger. Now I’m forced to return to the one place where every bad decision seems like a good one, until it smacks me on the face and says “hey stupid, I don’t look so good anymore huh.” Top that off with the fact that all I’m being met with is questions, accusations and contempt, when what I really need is support and understanding, and you are left with one girl who feels like she has absolutely no idea what the hell she is doing in her world right now, and is left with nothing but a whole bunch of worry and fear, on the eve before she returns home. All I can do is hope that everything works out for me and that I don’t screw it all up like I have in the past.
One day I woke up, looked around the room and asked myself, “Where the hell am I, how did I get here, and how the hell do I get away from here?” The answer quickly came to me, so I packed a bag, got into the car and hit the highway driving as far away from my life as I possibly could. That’s the one consistency in my life, whenever something is bothering me I’m always quick to scream “get me outta here” and run away.
I’ve never actually taken the time to ponder the fact that I run from things, it’s just something that I have always done. When life gets tough instead of seeing it through I just run away. I have found that over the years while running may provide immediate relief from whatever is bothering me, there always comes a time when I must return to my reality and whatever I ran from is always waiting to welcome me back with open arms. I suppose everyone has a coping method of some kind when it comes to all life’s issues and in the grand scheme of things running away doesn’t seem all that bad.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately though about a wide variety of things and have realized that I run from everything… EVERYTHING. If it’s hot I’m running to somewhere with cooler temperatures, if a place is associated with a negative idea or time I’m going somewhere else. I’ve never actually thought about what is making me run though and why I am doing it. I’ve never taken the time to just release whatever is bothering me instead of letting it control me. I’ve been told numerous times that I need to leave the past in the past, or to stop dwelling on the past, or whatever it is but for some reason I am so damn afraid of my past that I just can’t seem to let it go. Within the last month though I’ve been reflecting on the past and just being done with it, there isn’t a damn thing anyone can do to change their past, all you can do is experience it, process it, deal with it, and be done with it, unless you’re me of course then like I said I prefer to just run from it. However, I am so tired of running, I’d much rather just release my past and be done with it all. No more skeletons in the dark, no more running, it’s time to just let it all go and let it all be done and over with.
With that being said, it’s now time for me to do the one thing I have never done before, let go of everything that is holding me back from moving forward, and just move forward. If people prefer to remember me for who I was or what I have done then that is their choice, however I prefer to be who I am and live life by doing what it is I want to do. The past is gone, I refuse to let it continue to control me, I’m done running away from everything, it’s time to let it go, face the truth, and live in the now.
Do you ever just have the “ah ha!!!!!” moment… like you’re trying to solve a puzzle that someone has given you all the answers to solve but no matter how you try to solve it you just can’t figure it out… and then one day some type of even occurs and you see the answer and it’s like “ah ha!!!!” yeah I just had that moment.
There is of course the possibility that I could be wrong and didn’t solve the puzzle… it wouldn’t surprise me I usually am… but I think I at least have the makings of a good story if I am correct… hmmm….